The FIC
by BackstageMark
Summary: Don't ask, don't think about it, just read it. Rating is for language, and implied sexual acts. It was co-written by me and Kari, who was 12 when she wrote it.


THE FIC (By Aella and Kari  
  
(The Gundam Pilots are sitting around a table in a "coffee" shop ---------------- Kari: "the dubbers bribed me!")   
  
Trowa: So, Quatre, are you doing anything tonight?   
  
::Quatre blushes:: ::Pilots exchange smirks::   
  
Trowa: What's so funny? What?   
  
Duo: Are you asking him out?   
  
Trowa: No! (To Quatre) But if I were...   
  
Wufei: At least you're not attracted to women. Women are-   
  
All: We know! Women are weak!   
  
Wufei: Actually, I was going to say unattractive...   
  
Duo: Are Heero and I the only straight guys here?   
  
Quatre: Not according to thousands of yaoists...   
  
Duo: You talk to much.   
  
Wufei: I'm not gay! I'm just... mastering the... homoic arts...   
  
Trowa: So... Quatre...   
  
Quatre: Um... No plans.. Talk later!   
  
Heero: Congratulations. Now, about the new strategies...   
  
Wufei: YOU SAID YES?!?   
  
Duo: Well, if you were Quatre and you could choose between Trowa and Dorothy...   
  
Heero: You make me wonder...   
  
Duo: Well I don't see you going anywhere with a girl. And I have Hilde, thank you very much.   
  
Heero: I have that girl... with brown hair...   
  
All: Relena?   
  
Heero: Yeah, that's it.   
  
Duo: You're pathetic.   
  
Heero: Me? Pathetic? Hush or I will have no choice but to kill you!   
  
Duo: Kill? The God of Death? Impossible.   
  
Heero: Sure I can.   
  
Duo: I know something you can't do!   
  
Heero: What?   
  
Duo: Eat half your weight in cheese!   
  
::In case you haven't noticed, they're drinking::   
  
(2 HOURS LATER)   
  
::Relena walks in::   
  
Relena: What? You've been drinking? How irresponsible! I thought better of you Heero!   
  
Heero: I kinda... lost a bet... And... Relena, I have to strip for you!   
  
Relena: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD- okay.   
  
Wufei: I expected better of you. Only 1/4 of your weight in cheese.   
  
Heero: Shut up "Homoic Artist"!   
  
(5 MINUTES LATER)   
  
Duo: Wow, Heero, you're really good at this.   
  
Quatre: Almost as if you've done this before...   
  
Heero: My past is none of your concern.   
  
Relena: Duo... Remember... Hilde, you love her! And Heero's mine!   
  
Duo: I have no interest in Heero whatsoever! I could care less whether he was clothed or not. I love Hilde and no one can take that away from me. ::continues watching::   
  
Heero: What am I doing? What have you slipped me? And why am I naked?   
  
::Duo and Relena look away::   
  
Heero: Relena! Who gave you that polaroid camera? And what's that on the bulletin board?   
  
::Heero runs over to the bulletin board and sees interesting pictures of himself::   
  
Heero: What have I done? Why did I try to strategize with you people? I thought it would increase the chances of victory and saving people's worthless lives, but now you have talked me into drinking and stripping so I shall end mine! ::looks for nearest sharp object:: With this thumbtack my worthless life shall be ended!   
  
Quatre: But that thumbtack isn't sterile!   
  
Heero: I don't think this thumbtack has been up anyone's ass!   
  
::Heero dresses::   
  
Relena: Come on Heero! (hic) It was more fun when you (hic) were drunk! (hic)   
  
::yes, Relena is drunk too::   
  
Heero: (still slightly drunk) Well, sterilization is always important. But I have a lot of tacks... so you have to die Duo!   
  
(1 HOUR LATER)   
  
Duo: Let me down from here!   
  
::Duo has been thumbtacked to the wall::   
  
::Trowa spills his drink all over himself (poor towa!)::   
  
Trowa: Damnit! And these were new!   
  
Quatre: New?   
  
Trowa: Yeah!   
  
Wufei: Um... they're... a bit small and tight...   
  
Trowa: I like them like that!   
  
Quatre: Well, I'm not complaining!   
  
Relena: I have an extra set of clothes with me...   
  
Trowa: Okay!... No wait... you're a girl!   
  
Wufei: Women are weak!   
  
All: Shut up!   
  
Quatre: But Towa! You look good in miniskirts!   
  
Trowa: Ya think so?   
  
Duo: This is sick.   
  
(15 MIN AND A MINI-SKIRT LATER)   
  
Quatre: No, really. Pink is your color!   
  
Duo: Um... help... still on wall...   
  
::responsible big brother appears::   
  
Zechs: Relena! What are you doing?   
  
::Trowa stands up with gun pointed::   
  
Zechs: ::looks Trowa up and down:: DA-AMN!   
  
Quatre: He's mine!   
  
Zechs: You? You womanly man! ::all gasp::   
  
Quatre: I'm manlier than you are!   
  
Zechs: Oh yeah?   
  
Quatre: Yeah!   
  
Zechs: I bet you can't eat half your weight in cheese!   
  
Heero: It's been done. But if you really want to show your manliness, it'd work.   
  
Zechs: I bet I can make a Pokemon mating call better than you!   
  
Quatre: No way! I'm the master when it comes to Pokemon mating!   
  
Zechs: Squirt, squirtle, squirt!   
  
Quatre: Pika, Pik! Chuuu!!!   
  
Zechs: ::kneels:: You are the Pokemon mating master. Tell me your secret!   
  
Quatre: Lots of practice.   
  
::by this point they're all completely drunk again and...::   
  
Trowa: Hey Quatre! I have an Easter Present for you!   
  
Quatre: You dyed eggs last year!   
  
Wufei: Zechs, are you gay?   
  
Zechs: Sure, why not?   
  
Wufei: Damnit.   
  
Zechs: Why?   
  
Wufei: Nothing.   
  
Zechs: ::goes chibi:: Nooo! Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!!   
  
Wufei: I cannot hide it anymore! I am what I hate most!   
  
All: You're a woman?   
  
Wufei: Yes, and I'm very attracted to all of you. Except you Relena, no wait, you too!   
  
Zechs: Let's run off together!   
  
Wufei: But I have no manliness to offer you.   
  
Zechs: That's okay, I have a good imagination.   
  
Duo: Please help... still on wall...   
  
::Ryoko and Nuriko enter::   
  
Ryoko: Do you sell tea here?   
  
Quatre: Of course. Are you a prostitute?   
  
Ryoko: Not the last time I checked.   
  
Quatre: That's okay, 'cause I'm gay!   
  
Ryoko: Are any of you straight?   
  
Heero: ::raises hand slowly:: I am.   
  
Ryoko: Do you enjoy killing things?   
  
Heero: Yeah.   
  
Ryoko: Cool.   
  
Heero: I'm bored, let's run off together.   
  
Ryoko: Okay.   
  
Relena: Over my dead body!   
  
Heero: Okay!   
  
::Relena runs away in fright::   
  
Nuriko: I like it here.   
  
Duo: Why? ::still on wall::   
  
Nuriko: 'Cause I'm in a room full of gay men!   
  
Quatre: And...?   
  
Nuriko: Well, its a long story...   
  
(3 HOURS LATER)   
  
Nuriko: So, you see... I'm not really gay, but I am! And I enjoy crossdressing.   
  
Trowa: Don't we all?   
  
Quatre: That's so sad! ::throws himself into Trowa's arms and sobs::   
  
Nuriko: Hey, guy on the bulletin board, I like your braid.   
  
Duo: Let me down and I'm yours!   
  
Nuriko: Okay! We can do each other's hair!   
  
::Nuriko and Duo run away::   
  
::Bartender starts to cry::   
  
Bartender: Why me? Why me?  
END.   
  
  
If you actually read that, I'm impressed. You must have great stamina. But, this is what happens when me and Kari get hyper. It doesn't have a plot. There is no plot. It wasn't suposssed to have a plot. Don't try and figure it out. Don't even bother thinking while reading this fic, it doesn't help a bit.


End file.
